We Love Rachel Riley…

Well we do.

But not my words, nay! The words of this curious little blog:

http://weloverachelriley.blogspot.com/

Now,  I’ve mentioned before on this a case of people perhaps over-stepping the mark (or Mark… lol) when it comes to Miss Riley. I wrote a comedic song, which she thought was okay. The first thing I found a bit weird was the people who seemed interested in her height and weight… the men who seemed interested in her height and weight… and probably not because they wanted to know where she got her clothes from.

Now this site is a bit of a weird one. As it just seems to post pictures of her smiling.

If someone wishes to clarify that this isn’t a bit pervy and wrong, I’m all ears.

Look, here’s a sample…

There's not even words. It's just Riley smiling.

Duh duh DUUH!!!

I haven’t posted a song in a while, and nor do I need to with this on the loose:

It’s now number 7 in my collection of covers of this incredible song.

A Boy And His Dog:

This 1975 gem of film making, which inspired the whole Fallout series of games. Due to the fact that it’s in the public domain and the copyright at the moment appears to belong to nobody I’m happy to post it on here.

It’s about a young man who for some reason has a telepathic link to his dog. He helps the dog find food in a post apocalyptic America, much like the Fallout universe would become, and the dog aids him find the few surviving women he can try and rape. When he does find a woman, however, he ends up in a bizarre 1950s styled (over the top in that regard), vault… again, very much like the Fallout series would do.

I may have to take it down as I’ve hear rumours of a Japanese company wanting to do a remake, and I presume they’ll need to buy the rights.

Living Dangerously

How many of you, today, have eaten… say… a potato?

How many of you, today, have listened to… let’s say… a rap?

Yes. Today I’m here to talk to you, due to the closest thing to‘popular demand’ as I’m going to get, about a special special man of the 16th Century: Sir Walter Raleigh. Here’s a recap:

I think if they made a film about him they shouldn’t have a Bond Worrier like Clive Owen do it (like they did), but instead have Ralph Fiennes.

I meant Ralph that time, I know book there is Ranulph (great teddy-bear name, by the way) but I mean Ralph now. I like the English Patient, and I like Ralph’s voice, and I like deserts, and sexual tension, and I like bi-planes. I like Herodotus, and I likeItaly, and I like comical Indian accents being put on by cockneys, and I like Juliette Binoche. So, here’s my idea:

We make a history of Sir Walter Raleigh’s life, but because we’re making a film and can change history that way, we’re going to make it just a little more interesting:

1. Sir Walter will be an expert in winds. And will be a member of the Royal Geographic Society.
2. Instead of writing poems, he’ll write limericks.
3. Instead of wearing a huge ruff around his neck, he’ll wear the badge off a Volkswagen.

Hold on… I need to play my accordion for a bit.

(an hour later)

Right, erm, where was I?

4. Oh, his last words will be the same: At his execution in 1618 he asked to see the axe and said “This is a sharp Medicine, but it is a Physician for all Diseases.” That’s quite good, that, tough he could have said “You’ll needer a sharper blade than that, as far as medicine’s go, it’s Calpol to Walter Raleigh!” but here’s the twist:

He won’t die at the end!! No!! He’ll escape!! We won’t know where, right, but then at the end of the film you’ll see the following:

Paris:

Present Day -

It is early morning, the sun is rising. It’s winter, so it’s around 8, and that justifes the fact there are school kids walking to school, babbling in French about Pokemons and that. There’s shopkeepers opening up shutters, and enthusiastically saying hello to old people, who are smiling (it’s a film, remember, old people aren’t BASTARDS WHO SLAM DOORS IN MY FACE in films), and crows and that are flying around. On a wall, in the background, there is a limerick daubed on wall, being grumbly wiped away by an unenlightened Parisian Council Worker (again, it’s a film so PARISIANS GET UP BEFORE AFTERNOON) and a single man plays an accordion on a street corner…

We can’t see his face, because a sombrero is covering it, a sombrero with a POTATO on it!! And he plays vigorously, so much so aVOLKSWAGEN BADGE can be seen under his poncho, then, then… a familiar face reveals itself, and he winks at us… (is it Count Almásy himself!?) then…

Westminster Abbey

A scene in Westminster Abbey, in which a tourguide is guiding some American Tourists around, and she mentions Walter being buried in St Margaret’s Church nearby… an American tourist says “Can we see it after the gift shop” to his American Tourist chum…

then…
The roar of a motorbike…

…and Walter crashes in, on some sort of big sport’s bike with flames down the side. He screeches to a halt next to the Tourist, and says:

“No need.”
Then… cut to black, and Rage Against The Machine’s “Wake Up” like in The Matrix, and the end credits:

Starring:
Ralph Fiennes – Sir Walter Raleigh
Juiliette Binoche – Elizabeth I
Brian Blessed – Captain Hook
Jeremy Irons – Charles Ryder
Richard Madeley - Tony Blair
Sheena Easton – Elizabeth’s Bodyguard
Peter Davison – The Doctor
Michael Palin – Disgruntled Resident of Jersey…

Here’s a mockup of Fiennes as Raleigh:

Hey

I’m just going to salute the person who found my site by searching for “French girl bicycle”.

There she is.

Well done.

Amma? Who the….

Evening,

A freind of mine has been worrying me lately. I say friend, and by that I mean of the Facebook variety on account of record/sharing and general chit-chat over the internet for the past fourish years. She writes music herself, actually, and is rather good. Hold on, I’ll provide a link.

Anyway, the reason she was worrying me is because she posted something…

What a gift we’ve been given. amma is a blessed gift…. amma bliss! and it’s only 8pm but i’m going to bed! how does amma do it? i’m exhausted… but happily so. xox (21 Hours Ago)

We can argue about the moral implications of quoting people’s facebook status’ another time. What does that look like to you? To me it looks like she’s had a friend or relative give birth to something called Amma, and everyone is happy about it. Maybe she’s exhausted because she was there during the… I suppose… escape of this Amma, and maybe was left holding the camcorder. This in itself didn’t worry me. I don’t know Amma, none of my business.

my little niece was just born a few minutes ago!! i can’t wait to meet her. xoxo (8 Hours Ago)

Wait a minute. My theory about the realative and the baby was correct in everything but the timing. She’s never met the baby! The baby wasn’t even born yet… Who is Amma, the puppeteer of this increasingly strange psychological game?

I think everyone should get a hug from amma! (3 Hours Ago)

It is at this point that I began to wonder exactly who or what Amma is. Who is he/she to be giving hugs? Why have I heard no testimony of Amma other than how good he/she/it is? What evidence is there of these hugs?! Then…

“If it is someone’s karma to suffer, then it is your dharma to help that person.” (paraphrased from a quote by Amma). (About an Hour Ago)

Good god! Words from the source… well, not actually from the source… paraphrased. Okay, well now we can start putting together a few things, if we go off what I have read alone:

1. Amma is local to this person. In hugging distance.

2. This quote is most likely from a personal encounter, or recorded footage of the person, but there would be no need for a paraphrase if it were written.

3. The fact it is a paraphrase can be accounted for by either the friend’s lack of memory (yet the quote is affecting), or Amma’s impaired ability to communicate.

I think, at this point, she’s in a robot cult. I think Amma is a robot, that’s been constructed fairly basically, has limited capacity for speech and communication, gives idiosynchratic hugs (whether or not the person likes the hugs they maybe different.. in that the arms are more rigid or something), and that Amma hints toward Eastern Philosophies. And can possibly show people the future. My mind is ablaze with the possibilites.

This is my main fear:

Yes. At this point the only logical explanation is that Amma is The Gunslinger from the movie Westworld. Think about it… Yul Brynner… he was a bit weird with Eastern stuff… a robot… he was in Futureworld (the maligned sequel). He even hugs a woman in Futureworld. It all starts to make sense.

That is until I type “Amma” into google like any sane person would have and discover this…

http://www.amma.org.uk/

It’s actually a bit cultish. Isn’t it. I think she’s trying to be the new Mother Teresa. I can’t see it working.

Unless she’s got a gun. I mean, who would you back in a fight?

The "consoler" with the not-too-hidden SHOP on her site?

Or the ROBOT with the GUN.

Ashes Report 2#

Well who would have thought it!?

Day 5 of the first test, and after a bloody day 4 we quickly find the line-up collapsing fairly rapidly. I’ve been at work all day, and only been able to catch glimpses of it.  I elected not to watch it during my lunchbreak… mainly because the bar was busy, but also because I didn’t have much hope of a happy ending today. When you see a score of 70-5… and with the strength Australia have been bowling at (despite the losses of Warne and McGrath everyone’s bringing up again… like they are 2005) I had serious doubts about our chances of getting a draw.

But then up steps Collingwood. He faced 245 balls, got a good knock for 74, and seemed to help my nerves a lot.  But the heroes everyone’ll be talking about at the pub later on will be Jimmy Anderson, and Monty Panesar. The tail enders managed a 40-minute onslaught from Haurwitz and North, facing 53 balls each, and in that time  managed to get us the lead and thus the draw. Top performances.

I've nicked this photo off the BBC.

Mike (is a happy man)

Ashes Report #1.

So.. I think we need to discuss The Ashes considering… you know, they’re on.

Here’s Pietersen making an arse of himself.

Today was the first day of The Ashes… England won the toss and went in for a bat. In the morning session we lost 3 wickets, including Strauss to a terrible high one which, in fairness I wouldn’t have known what to do with. Seemed like he couldn’t decide whether or not to pat it down or swing it out to the side.

Afternoon we had a decent partnership of Collingwood and Pietersen, though let’s see if I can already find it on youtube… Nope.. little optimistic there, but here’s some news.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2009/jul/08/england-australia-ashes-day-one

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/8138022.stm

Basically Pietersen had been playing a fair few sweeps from the offside position, and Nathan Hauritz noticed, and just as Pietersen was moving into position to do it once again he pitched the ball a bit wider. I can’t imagine he was planning to do anything other than make him pull out of the shot, but no, he went for it, it went sky high after hitting his helmet, and was caught out.

I thought Flintoff was doing well considering the new ball and it being close to the end of the day, seemed to be enjoying himself, though maybe a little too precocious. I would have liked to have seen him tomorrow morning. Still out for 37 isn’t great but given six of those were boundaries I’d say it was a fair effort. It’s looking to go either way so far.

My highlights:

David Lloyd: “There’s the wags… no Sky Ladies And Girlfriends though.”
Lloyd’s constant talking about his twitter account was amusing. Botham threatening to kill Nasser Hussain this morning also a treat. Also David Gower’s quest to find the Cardiff Tide Barrage, and the camera panning to show us David Platt from Corrie was quite fun.

Cricket wasn’t bad either… 336-7 at close of play today.

I kept singing “Nightwatchman” when Anderson came on.

This coincides wonderfully with the release of The Duckworth Lewis Method. A marvellous cricket themed record by Neil Hannon of The Divine Comedy, and Thomas Walsh of the lesser known Pugwash. The song “The Nightwatchman” to which I was referring features on said album.

Three tracks can be heard here:

http://www.myspace.com/dlmethod

It can be bought in proper shops (HMV at least), and itunes, Amazon, and Play. It was streaming on the Times site, but I’m not sure it still is now it’s out.

Here's the album art. It's like ELO meets Jeeves and Wooster.

Also, I urge you now… you simply must, if you have twitter, FOLLOW David Lloyd. He’s a constant source of mirth.

http://twitter.com/BumbleCricket

Favourite quote so far:

“Beefy’s just announced himself. I’ve opened the window!”

Oh!! It gets better, the man has a blog. http://www.skysports.com/opinion/story/0,25212,12933_5418792,00.html

Edit: The latest from Internet’s Dairy regarding a Lenticular Dinosaur Ruler is INCREDIBLE. The friend “Gid” he refers to, by the way, is most likely Gideon Defoe, the writer who penned the “Pirates!” books.

Edit: I have it from Lloyd himself it was Martin Platt, not David.

Quote:

BumbleCricket: Martin Platt from Corrie in the crowd. Gail absent.

Velodrama…

Velodrama is just one of the hilarious puns I enjoy on a daily basis. This pun refers to dramatic photography featuring bicycles, or velo if you’re French.

Or radfahren if you’re German, but that doesn’t work as well.

A quick google search has also revealed it’s a company who sell “blinged up” pieces of bicycles. This is not a practice I encourage. I much prefer to think of bicycles as being Parisian 1940s roadster models, resting against the walls of art studios when not being ridden by Gallic females in long coats. They should only appear in black and white, and therefore serve as a palatable antidote to the saccharine sepia of the Warburtons adverts of my youth, where some po-faced child would push some unfortunate cycle up a cobbled hill while a miner’s brass band set his plight to a haunting yet hummable tune.

INCORRECT

CORRECT

I can even go one step further and provide a link to this amazing website I found, this time bringing a Danish flavour: www.copenhagencyclechic.com

It’s essentially a fetish website for people who like to look at girls on bicycles, I’ve seen a similar one for girls drinking tea. Wait, why tell you when I can show you…  http://teabirds.blogspot.com/

I found that because I wondered how many tea-blogs there were aside my beloved teatunes.

Okay. There was a point to this. And it is thus… I was looking for photographs of the landscape of The Isle of Harris. I found an image entitled “velodrama”. Here is that image:

Though if the man didn't want to get his bike stuck in the sand he could have just put it out of shot.

Still, though, nice isn’t it?

I’m thinking of moving there. If I get the job I want, in which case Evolution would be solved, more or less. And my comedy career postponed… which is a good way to get out of it, should you want to. There’s a bizarre thing you have with comedy you don’t get with music. Once you start doing it, you can’t stop. You feel weird if you’ve not got anything lined up, even though you hate having a full diary because gigs are so volatile and can go either way. You do need a genuinely good reason to stop. I don’t want to stop, but if I did I think moving to a remote island in the Hebrides (a la Craggy Island) is a good way.

Mike

Tilting At Windmills

A love song…

Noteable for me being barely able, but able, to get a note out of the violin.

And the lyric “Your fall into the clutches of evil is worth forgetting.”

Depends what you’re looking for.

Pervy Uke.

So, here’s the song:

Tilting At Windmills

Cheers ears.

Mike